See & Say

It’s easy to sit

sit and see and say

like a toy with a string

wandering in circles.

 

Wondering, wandering, whispering, whining.

Whirling to figure out

what went wrong.

 

Then you sit

sit and see

see the changes you’ve made

see the words you say

as they slice through

the tender flesh

the timid glance

the trusting heart

and leave a mess,

a plastic shell

disembodied voice

limp string tied to what you

saw and said.

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a week in review

A poem, for you:

***

On Monday the shiny star slept through half the day.

On Tuesday she was working, and had no time to play.

Wednesday was pretty lame, her arms were hurting badly.

Then Thursday she went wasp hunting, the thing needed to die, sadly.

Friday was filled, with lots of crying and drama,

But thankfully today she get’s to hang out with her Mama!

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Two days.

How did I go two days with out blogging?

Stress.
Anxiety.
I compare myself to others, and then I fall short. Not good enough.
I’m not famous. My blog isn’t consistently interesting, or funny. It’s not full of beautiful pictures of original recipes. But it is full of my life. That should be enough.
__________________
Motivation is not running through my blood.
It’s cold outside.
The sun tricks me,
pulls me,
teases me,
then disappears.
____________________________
B-man is doing the dishes. I asked him to do it earlier.
I don’t usually ask. What’s wrong with me?
Then he waited.
And waited…
And waited.
Now it’s 12:24 in the morning. I’m tired and sore, and I want to snuggle up to his ridiculously warm body and fall asleep. It’s easier to fall asleep when it’s warm.
——0—————0———
The warmth is fleeting.
From my fingers…
my toes…..
my nose.
It’s cold inside.
I can make a million excuses,
but none good enough…

“it’s cold”
“I’m tired.”
“too much to do…”

But in the end
there is a hole inside of me.
Eating,
tearing,
consuming.
My mind wanders,
wiggles,
dances,
giggles,
trips,
cries,
Stop.
__________________________
Why is he doing the dishes? Why didn’t I get my homework done. Why am I not sleeping. What time is it? When do I have to get up? Can I sleep a little bit longer?
I have too much to do tomorrow. Far too much to do.
I think my phone is dead.
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The whole story.

I have it all.

The groom, the dress, the petticoat.
The shoes, the flowers, the viel.
The table decor, flowers galore,
And we got it all on sale.
————————————————

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Realization

I am alone.
I am surrounded by people,
but alone.
I look around,
searching for that face.
The one in my dreams,
that tells me I’m ok.
The one that tells me
“things will work out”.

I am confused.
I have learned so much,
but confused.
I look around,
searching for that face.
The one that follows me,
whispering in my ear.
The one that tells me
“things will be fine”.

I am alive.
I am not living,
but alive.
I look around,
searching for that face.
The one that is so familiar,
The one that won’t leave me,
pushing me further from my dreams.
The one that tells me
“Don’t try, you won’t win”.

I am trying.
I am failing,
but trying.
I look around,
searching for that face.
The one that haunts my thoughts,
The one that murders my hopes
and drowns my asspirations.
The one that tells me
“You can’t”.

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