Lemons & Cake

When I was in high school a friend of mine had a t-shirt that said something to the effect of “when life gives you lemons squeeze them into a squirt gun and shoot life in the eye.” It must’ve been more succinct than that, because that would be a lot of text for a t-shirt, but it always made me laugh.

Life gives a lot of lemons. Lots. To every one. And some are peak season, lots of sugar and just a little bit sour. Some come in 5 pound bags.

People spend a lot of time comparing their problems. Some people have problems that only seem like problems because their neighbor hasn’t had to deal with it. Some times people have problems that shake the very foundation of their existence as a human being.

One year older and wiser too! Twenty-eight and feeling great!

I’m two years from being 30 years old now. It’s the first year where I really feel older. In this year nothing has changed, and yet so much has changed.

I’ve gained a new perspective into how other people live through hosting our exchange student. It’s been challenging in ways I never imagined. That seems to happen to me often.

I’ve been declared “cancer free” for the zillionth time – a feeling that never feels good enough because there is always an “if” lingering in the background.

I’ve connected with friends on a level I’ve never experienced before. I’ve signed up for volunteer positions that require a lot of time and dedication.

I’ve researched career options for my future, and settled (and re-settled) on what I (maybe) want to do with the next few years.

I’ve made decisions that will impact little G for the rest of her life.

I’ve faced rejection and abandonment.

I’ve struggled, and watched people I love struggle. The latter having affected me more emotionally than the former. I’ve been accused of caring too much, but I think it makes my experience in life more human. I don’t only get to experience my joy and pain. A blessing and a curse by some accounts, but I like who it makes me.

I’m laughed and cried and wondered and analyzed and over-analyzed. And despite that I’ve made good decisions and I’ve made bad decisions and I’ve loved deeply and been loved even more.

And it’s always the same, and yet nothing has changed. I thought when cancer took over my life that I would never be the same. That I would never experience that same day-to-day joy that used to saturate even the tiniest moments of humdrum life. And yet I find myself thinking “I love my life.” And it’s true. It’s coming back. Light, or happiness, or maybe just the peace that comes with acceptance. Satisfaction is permeating my moments again, and it’s something I never expected. Certainly not every moment, but I don’t think life was meant to be lived in a constant state of happiness. But those little moments can be happy again. Snuggling in the same spot where just two years ago I told my husband I had cancer – it’s a happy place again. The couch where I spent months laying in pain and exhaustion has regained it’s rightful place as “official family gathering spot” (though it does serve nap duty on the side). I can drive to Wegman’s without having a panic attack. Lack of regular panic attacks is definitely a reason to celebrate!

A sweet treat from my neighbor. Yum!

After all of that, I’m forced to remember that perspective often means more than the experience itself. The lemons in my life might be unbearable for others, or might seem like #firstworldproblems to others. I’m glad to be getting back to my equilibrium. An equilibrium that now sees cancer as something that can be conquered and the ability to appreciate, but not stress over, the less than enjoyable bits of life that make the good bits even more valuable.

 

 

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Life as I know it.

Well, a flashback of life as I know it.

Some times you spot a moment in life and it feels like if you don’t take a picture maybe that moment didn’t happen. I feel like I have those moments daily. Each moment feels so special. Silly as that must sound.

I guess part of it is that I’m afraid of forgetting the day-to-day. The things we do without thinking about it. The things we forget we did last month. Like this moment. We played Minnie Mouse dominoes and Ginny probably won. It’s not an important moment. Not one we would scrapbook or publish in a Christmas letter, But looking at it makes me smile, my messy-headed kiddo, my husband not ready for the camera, and some how there are no dogs on the couch.

Speaking of dogs, last May we adopted this fur-ball into our family.

Trooper, the troublemaker.

His eyes reminded me so much of my sweet Gretel that I had to bring him home with me from the shelter. Who knew window-shopping at the shelter would turn into buying a dog? (The answer is “B-man”. B-man knew.)

But I did, I brought him home, pulled about 60 tics off of him, bathed him, medicated him for several weeks, and the nursed him through surgery…. and though he didn’t handle it as gracefully as my sweet Gretel handled life, Trooper is young and improving so much. Of course, before these more recent improvements we had other things to deal with – like when he broke the door handle.

This used to be a door handle.

The doors to our backyard are lever handles, and Trooper… the troublemaker… figured out that he could open them, and when jumping on the handle didn’t open them, it at least made a good amount of noise.

Eventually the handle actually broke. While waiting to figure out what the replacement would be, I improvised with a ribbon and some painters tape… ya know…. because bugs and the need to actually open the door. I was actually pretty proud of this innovation. 🙂

Then I replaced the door handle with a regular knob. I’m pretty proud of that too.

A working lunch.

This moment still tickles me. It’s just a simple thing, Ginny playing while I was folding laundry after a camping trip. She pulled her little laptop in and told me she was going to “get some work done”. Then of course she needed a snack, and a drink, and a chair from the playroom. My silly girl.

Also, she loves that silly little laptop.

And I love that silly little girl. So much. And, for the record – I love this dress too. It looks so good on her, bring out her bright blue eyes, and it was a steal on ebay!

A silly compilation, but my life none the less.

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Fall

My couch cushions are spread out over my living room as Ginny bounces from one to the other. It’s a rainy day with a chilly bite in the air, but our house is warm, and living room forts add that special sense of whimsy that turns rainy days into fun adventures. It’s a race to see how long we can go before a certain little one asks to watch TV.

But that is beside the point. While I have a few moments of fort-distraction I wanted to share some pictures from the autumn. School is full swing, our exchange student joined the basketball team which added another layer to our lives.

 

In September our neighborhood hosts an “Oktoberfest” for the residents. This was actually the first year I’ve gone. I usually avoid crowds, but have been trying to be better about taking advantage of opportunities instead of talking myself out of them.

For the first part of the event our exchange student and I volunteered in the food tent. We set up an assembly line and got everything going. We also got free t-shirts for volunteering!

T-shirts on and ready to serve!

After our shift we met up with B-man and Ginny who had walked over to the beach. It’s about 2 miles, but doable. Unfortunately we were rained out. Before we left I snagged these pictures though!

Ginny and our exchange student!

I actually painted this photo prop! It took me a couple of days, and occupied a space in my kitchen far longer than B-man approved of. But it was fun to stretch my artistic muscles.

And then I’ll throw in this hot-mess!

Duck lip are in, right?

My good friend Joey-poo and I cheesing it for the camera!

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We took the kids to SweetFrog to share the joys of frozen yogurt with our exchange student. Naturally she is quite fond of the nutella. 🙂

See… duck lips are *SO* in!

Good times. I’m always surprised by Ginny’s ice cream choices. Lately she loves Mango flavored froyo. She’s definitely her own little person.

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A little more photo dump from early October. At our house we have a good sized front and back yard, the latter of which is fenced. Ginny calls the fenced backyard “Zuko’s backyard” (Zuko being our dog), and the front yard “Ginny’s backyard”. She loves playing under the Magnolia tree and climbing on the large landscaping rock to the side of our house, and a particular bush has become her secret hide-out. I won’t betray it’s whereabouts though.

Our little slice of paradise is definitively suburban, but still full of interesting natural occurrences, from the large array of birds that grace our feeder, to the plants I haven’t managed to kill yet (or the grass that I have killed). One day though we found this mushroom circle!

My little pixie!

Of course, after she did a little dance we picked them all, put them in a bag, and threw them out. I haven’t seen any more, so it was probably the right thing to do.

And lastly some B-man & Ginny loves!

My favorite people.

Autumn is my favorite time of year. The weather is perfect, the colors of beautiful, and it’s like the Friday to Christmas!

Deep thoughts, I know.

Coming soon: Virginia Tech camping trip, Halloween, and B-man’s birthday!

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New School

All ready for her first day of school!

Getting the exchange student accepted to the local high school was a pain. Finally I had settled in to the idea of driving her 30 minutes each way to and from school every day. Thankfully my neighbor saw the lunacy in that concept and quickly called in a few favors. It was a mess, lots of phone calls, I may have cried once or twice, and then some more e-mails and phone calls and on the third school day of the year she was finally able to hop on the bus at the corner near our house and head off to school!

Also at the beginning of the year Ginny and I have joined a local pre-school co-op. It was a group of moms who all had young children but did not want to go the traditional pre-school route. I thought we were a good fit, unfortunately time would not agree.

Ginny all ready for her first day of preschool co-op.

I only knew one other mom in the group, she’d invited me to join. Unfortunately at the end of October, having only hosted twice, I got a phone call that they had decided to kick me out of the co-op.

And Ginny.

Of course they said something like “It’s not Ginny, we love her and she’s great, but we really don’t think you’re a good fit.” They said I didn’t choose healthy foods (my broccoli and pasta were not organic), I wasn’t involved enough with the children (because three year olds should be told to stop playing and sit down to do guided activities), and that I’m combative and too aggressive. There was no second chance, and no warning.

Ginny still asks about her preschool friends, four months later.

It’s weird, how these women I barely knew held such power over me – but I was sincerely crushed. I don’t think I’ve felt that kind of rejection and so much pain since elementary school.

Thankfully my sweet girl is resilient, and her life is still full of nature and play and people who love her and interesting experiences.

Her mother on the other hand is fragile. This experience spiraled me into panic attacks and added to my already mounting pre-scan anxiety that comes every six months.

This experience was also a big factor in the decision to send Ginny to public school next year when she starts Kindergarten. She’s going to love it, and I know she will do well. Crazy how fast time flies though! Only six months and I’ll be Mama to a kindergartner!

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Let’s do this.

We all make mistakes, and I guess the most important part is to be able to look back, accept that it was a mistake, and learn from that mistake. More than once I’ve been told that I’m… too nice. Or a pushover, or that I do too much for other people. Lol. I’ll be honest… I don’t mind. I don’t see that as a fault. I’d rather be nice to people who don’t deserve it, than be mean to people who don’t deserve that.

Regardless, I have made mistakes, one of which was giving up blogging. It’s like a hole, the further I get from the last time I wrote something, the harder it is to start again. But I’m starting.

Last August we welcomed a young woman from Spain into our home. She and I have a similar background – in that we both had cancer, and are both in recovery right now.

Ginny helped to make a sign for our new visitor!

We picked her up from the airport, and she had been travelling for the better part of the last 24 hour, so it was no surprise that she was tired. We stopped to grab dinner at an all-American restaurant — BBQ! — then headed home.

Stopping at Texas Roadhouse on our way home!

The first few days were busy, she arrived just a few days before school started and we had a few house-keeping items to take care of before she could attend the local high school.

In between getting her settled we spent some time collecting much needed items for our local food pantry. ACTS does so much for our community, so Ginny and I often collect food or household items for the organization. I grew up in a home where serving others was a top priority, and it’s something I like to involve Ginny in. It’s an easy way to introduce topics that aren’t always easy to talk about. We talk about how every one has hard times, and the best thing we can do is remember that every person deserves to be treated with kindness.

Dropping off macaroni & cheese, and lots of peanut butter (among other things!). I let Ginny pick things from the list of “much needed” items, and she picked a few of her faves.

We also collected items from neighbors and friends, and Miss. P helped me deliver those items!

Helping other people makes me feel good, for many reasons. Some altruistic, like knowing that I am helping members of my community, and exposing my daughter to the realities of this world, while also teaching her that she can do something about it. But some of my reasons are selfish. I like feeling useful, it makes me feel better about myself, and feeling connected to my community really helps me to feel grounded.

I’m going to get better at this. I want to leave this record. I want to be able to love and relive these moment with Ginny now and when she’s older. Here’s to resolutions, and doing things for myself.

 

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i’m starting to get depressed again

my neighbor came over today. She played with Ginny while I did the dishes, then helped me clean of my patio that was covered in leaves, pine needles and tiny acorns. She talked about the funk. Ya know, that point in life where nothing is going right. In her case it’s an empty nest, in my case it’s a lot of different things.

my dog is dying. Gretel had been throwing up for several days in a row. So I took her to the vet and they did a blood test and found that her liver enzymes are low and her blood isn’t clotting. She has liver disease. The only way to find out how bad it is would be to spend $500, at which point they say “she’s going to die soon, just enjoy her” or they could say “she is going to die soon unless you spend $100+/month on doggy medicine, at which point she may live a few years more.”

boo.

either way she is going to die, I’ll just be lonely, and more poor if I choose the second option.

so we’ve decided to wait it out. she is still happy. she has stopped vomiting, and we are encouraging her to eat a little bit more.

the saddest part to me is that Ginny will not remember this sweet dog of mine. Gretel has so patiently put up with all of the ear pulling, crawling over and hang on that a dog with a baby around unfortunately deals with. Gretel has added so much love to our lives, and has been such a sweet companion to Ginny – and Ginny won’t remember. it breaks my heart.

this issue alone has had me bawling since last Friday. we are literally just waiting for her to show signs of discomfort. then we’ll be paying some one to kill our dog.

in other news: I’m having a hard time making new friends. I only live about 45 minutes north of my old stomping ground, but it seems like getting together with old friends is getting more and more complicated. people are busy, and moving on. while i am desperately clinging to my past. 45 minutes of driving each way makes short trips for walking about stores or a 30 minute play date all but impractical.

on top of this, I have been throwing myself out there left and right. I am friendly to strangers at target, I attend several different group play dates, and have been trying to hang out with people that I wouldn’t normally consider building relationships with. ya know, keeping an open mind.

but two months into this effort I am exhausted, and still feeling very lonely.

through no fault of his own, my hubs has been very busy at work, which often results in him being very tired at home. he gets up late, goes to work, gets home late, we eat dinner later, then he falls asleep while we’re hanging out in the living room. add this to my lack of social interactions with people I feel connected to and I’m a few drops closer to a bucket full of crazy.

I’ve been busy  focusing on other people. I feel like all of my spare time has been dictated by what other people want me to do, and I’m kind of sick of it. half of this problem is related to having a toddler who is dependent on me for her life. I get it. Okay.

unfortunately I have found myself being taken advantage of lately. they are quick to ask for and accept my help and time, but stingy when it comes to returning the favor.

boo.

in other news, I have started attending a water aerobics class twice a week. it is very nice to have the 2 hours twice a week to work out, relax, shower, listen to loud music in the car. it’s very nice.

and in closing, I bought this little shirt at H&M for Ginny. I went in there and rememebered it is a lot more expensive in the US than it is in Germany. note taken, again.

she’s getting too big. it breaks my heart more and more. thankfully she heals it with his cute giggles, new words, and desire to climb on bigger and taller things.

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brain dump

  • Boobs are really weird things. I’ve kind of always thought this, but now more so than ever. lol.
  • I had a root canal. It cost several hundred dollars. Several, severals – actually.
  • I went to a children’s consignment sale today and bought a bunch of cute clothes for Ginny. Well… my Mom bought them (possibly because I mentioned in passing about my root canal bill, and she wanted to treat me. Either way, I’m so greatful for my Mama!). But she and I picked them out. I think I got 6 “outfits”. Three fancy dresses, one jumper, one shirt/leggings set, one set of adorable pants, and a rainbow sweater. Most of these things are 6 months size, so they don’t fit her yet, but then will! All of them are Gymboree, Baby Gap and Crazy 8. I’m actually going to post about them later, with pictures, because I got a great deal! Gotta love a good deal!
  • Baby girl is growing so much. Ginny is definitely more “baby” now, as opposed to squishy newborn. She:
    -almost has control of her arms, and can sleep (for a short time) with out being swaddled
    SMILES!!! Mostly just at me, but B-man has seen her smile too. For a while he probably thought I was crazy because every time I would get her smiling I would call him into the room, and then she would start crying. lol.
  • I have figured out the “Mom-Game“. That’s kind of how this whole thing feels to me. It’s a constant dance, trying to predict what is going to go wrong before it does so. I’ve even gotten to where I can tell when she’s thinking about trying to pee. lol. I think she is going to potty train early, because she really hates peeing. She has never sat in a wet diaper for more than a minute, but that minute is the worst minute of her life (if you could ask her!). And it’s not because of a rash or anything.
  • Not all babies are snuggly. Ginny lets me know when she is hungry and when she wants a binkie (some times she really just wants the binkie!), she tells me when she needs to burp, pee, poop, fart, and when she is tired. But she also tells me when she just wants to be set down. I spent a good amount of time checking diapers, offering food, binkies, and burping her. Finally I just set her down in exasperation… and she stopped crying. lol. Often she would rather lay in her crib/baby gym/swing, than be held and snuggled. Sometimes this makes me really sad, but I have to remember that she is already her own person and she knows what she wants!
  • I have a Mobi, but with the warm weather it is not very practical for going out on walks, so we got one of those regular baby carriers, and we are going to go on a walk when B-man finishes work and test it out. Hopefully my independent baby won’t mind it so much!
  • Finding time to work out is kind of hard. My hips are feeling better, but now my toe is hurting. I still can’t put closed toe shoes on with out severe pain, so it’s going to be a while before I can do anything more than walk (which I can do in flip flops!).
  • I think it’s weird that I am old enough to be married and have a baby, but I still can’t rent a car. lol.
It’s is a new week, and I am on top of my game!
(except that I'm super sleep and want to go
 to bed but instead I am going to do laundry,
 go for a while, shower, make dinner and 
love on my baby. I never knew I could be 
so productive!)
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growing up

The first time I felt “grown up” was when I was ten years old, I thought I was the most mature person ever. I saved my sister from choking on a hard candy once, and my Mama paid me in green jelly beans for babysitting. They were my favorite candy ever. I had my first valentine, I went to my first summer camp, and I traveled Europe with my family. Perhaps being the oldest child made me grow up faster, but I think I was a rather mature 10 year old. Around this age I started baby sitting for other families as well.

When I was 13 years old, I thought that I couldn’t possibly grow up any more. I had my first boyfriend, I was in a freshman in high school, and I was learning to drive. When my Mama had surgery on her knee I was there to take care of all of my siblings while my Dad was away for several months due to work.

When I was 15 I had my heart broken. Ripped apart by an inconsiderate guy who had been cheating on me for over a year. I was living in Germany, and had not made any friends there because I had such an awesome boyfriend back in the states. I was alone. The pain was something I would never wish on any one, and it was the start of what would eventually spiral down into severe depression. I didn’t know how to cope. I didn’t have any self worth outside of this boy, and I was losing myself.

But I was still grown up. I dealt with my pain on my own. I got good grades in school. I reached out and made some friends. I was involved in FBLA and Key club. I was in the Concert Choir, and the Concert Band and the Show Choir. I was volunteering at the elementary and middle school. I threw myself into every activity that I could to try and give myself an identity. I helped out at home when my Mama got a part time job. I made dinner often, and attended every church activity imaginable.  But I cried myself to sleep every night. I let myself cry.

When I was 17 my ex-boyfriend’s family flew to Germany to visit. He was still dating the girl he had left me for.

He played with my heart. Made me feel loved. We would make out in the basement and hold hands on tours through castles. I felt worse. Now I was the other girl.

It was a cruel thing to do.

Despite my best efforts to engage, this simple week long visit sent me into a tizzy. I reverted. I pulled away…. I…. I was a terrible moody teenager. But I was so convinced that I was an adult. Look at all of the pain I had experienced! Look at every thing I did!!! I had traveled to France and the Netherlands with out my parents. Look at every thing I hadn’t done! I had never touched an alcoholic drink or a cigarette or drugs. I had never skipped class. I had never rebelled. I was mature.

I could see the consequences of making stupid decisions about drugs or alcohol. But I was young, because I couldn’t see what I was worth.

When I was 18 years old I went to college. I cried when my parents left me in Tennessee. I had never pumped gas, and had to ask a friend to show me how to do it two days later. I called my Mama all the time, despite having been in such a hurry to get out of their house. I went to my classes, but I slept too much. My first real symptom of depression. On the weekends I would sleep for 20 hours, get up, eat something, and then go back to bed.

Having grown up a rather sheltered life, my world was turned upside when a friend “came out” to me in our second semester. I reacted poorly – all I could do was cry. I ruined our friendship – something I will always regret.

But that made me grow up a little bit more. More than I thought I ever could. It made me realize something, something I hope to teach to my children.

Good people come in all forms.

My sheltered life had lead me to believe that any one who didn’t live by my religious standards was a bad person. I would even say that I was judgmental towards them. But the experience with my friend made me realize how very wrong I was. Sadly I learned this lesson too late.

That was the end of my growing up. Sure, I am still growing and learning and improving – but at that point I realized the worth of a person. I realized my own worth, and most importantly I learned, for real and not just conceptually, that the world is full of good people, and it is never my job to judge them. Never.

I’m only 23, but the things I know are this:

*Every one deserves respect, regardless of whether or not they fit into our predefined box of what is “good”.
*Perspective if everything. When you take a moment to change the way you are looking at something, or some one, that thing you’re looking at will change.
*Be open-minded. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with, or believe everything that anyone ever tells you. It means that you have the right to believe what ever you want to, so afford other people that same right – with out judging them for their choices.

While all of these things are important and they have changed the way I view the world, above all I have learned to forget myself. For some one so bent on finding out “who I am” this may seem strange, but I feel like when I am focused on helping others and loving the people around me, I become the person I want to be.

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Have you had a “defining moment” in your life that made you grow up, or that changed the way you viewed the world?

 

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i don’t know how it works.

Sometimes I can be a big ball of stress. The little things stress me out. Like when I’m running five minutes late. But I’m really good at handling the big things. You broke your arm? I’m the cool headed person that you want around.

This afternoon I left work to start my car… and realized that I had left my lights on for… six hours. My battery was so dead that the dead battery light didn’t even come on. But I felt so calm as I waited for my mom to come give me a jump start.

I’ve always been good at handling the big things though. It’s a blessing, and a curse. A blessing because when the big things happen, I can deal and move on – usually I end up pulling other people through it with me. But it is a curse because the little things happen more often than the big things… so I’m stressed more often than not. lol.

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all is well.

It’s 5 pm. My husband has gotten in to the habit of leaving windows open, letting the gentle breeze waft in on us. I like it. Though the clouds have hidden the beautiful blue sky from us, it doesn’t matter. Just through the trees on the far horizon I see a hint of blue – that is enough. For now.

Gretel sits at my feet, she does it so that she can nap, and still know when I leave the room. But her body is too warm. As Zuko comes up and starts chewing on her, Gretel sneezes, sending Zuko into little growling fits.  Zuko gives up and starts ringing his potty bell. But he doesn’t need to go out. It really means “pay attention to me!”.  The crunching of food makes me turn – I see half of Gretel’s body crammed into Zuko’s little crate as she tries to steal his food. I guess she doesn’t like her own any more. Zuko wants to play tag. She would rather nap.

I too would rather nap. But it’s not in the cards for today. I need to do things like call the bank, go grocery shopping, and do some laundry. It seems weird that eight hours ago I was in the doctor’s office listening to my baby’s heartbeat. The sound of it’s little whooshing heart it the realest thing I have every experienced. Even the ultrasounds have not compared.

Most of my day was spend driving along country roads. B-man had another interview today. I think it went well. He seemed like he had really enjoyed meeting the people that work there. Perhaps he’s just been cooped up at home too long. It was nice to just drive and listen to his voice. Like when we were in college and we would drive to the state park to go camping. Some times I let him go far to in-depth into things I don’t really understand just so he’ll keep talking.

The day flew by, but it was a beautiful one. If some one asked me to write down my “ideal” day, I doubt I would’ve written about a day like today. It was busy, rushed, and some times stressful – but it was real. I felt the warm sun on my face through the sunroof as I drove with my sweet husband chatting away, and now I’m enjoying the soft winds that carry the end of winter away as my sweet husband types away behind me. I don’t think I could feel more thankful for anything right now.

*

I feel content. If I had to choose one emotion to feel for the rest of my life, I think this might be it.

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Thursday… I mean… Friday

I think I missed a day this week. But it has been such a long arduous week. The week being Thursday – Thursday. So I’ll tell you about the good things, since I have done plenty of whining about the bad things.

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Yesterday I got all of the inspections and testing done on my Honda Civic and made it to the DMV with minutes to spare. I did get license plates, so now we have one legal car to drive. Having the jeep out of commission is kind of annoying. My civic plates expired in December, so when the Jeep had problems we ended up borrowing my little sister’s car. She was finished with work for a while and out of school so she didn’t need it. My family is so generous. I felt bad enough that they were financially helping me get the car fixed, and then on top of that loaning us a car. Thankfully nothing was wrong with the civic and it is legal and good to go!

*

I have been agonizing over finding a doctor. I am 14 weeks pregnant right now, and my last appointment was at 7. But every time I would try and make an appointment some where they would give me the run around with a list of things I needed to do before they would accept me into their practice. Things like be interviewed by the head nurse and hand over all of my personal medical information. I’ve been trying to make an appointment since I moved here, and finally I bit the bullet, handed over my records, and was accepted the next day. So – here’s hoping I like the doctors, because if not they wasted their time (and mine) giving me the run around. What ever. The point is:  I have my next appointment.

Also – I know I had mentioned possibly going to a midwife, but money is really tight right now, and my insurance covers the hospital stuff outright, were as with a midwife we would have to pay and wait to be reimbursed. So, for now, and for our family – it’s what we have to do. Luckily I found a hospital that has only private “hotel like” rooms where the baby rooms in the same room, and there are couches for the family.

*

And lastly, I have a sweet husband who woke me up at 12:30 and after coaxing me out of my zombie dreams (seriously, I dreamed about zombies last night) he said “Would you please go buy dog food and then do some laundry today?” How can I say no to that sweet face! I am glad I got to sleep in though, I have been so emotionally exhausted with all of the car problems that my body just needed a good long rest. And by the way: I did go an buy dog food, AND I’ve done some laundry today. Win!

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2 hours ago.

2 hours ago my husband dragged me to bed.

We talked about our days, what we had (and had not) accomplished. Then he rolled over and fell asleep. In as long as it took to read that last sentence… that’s how long he took to fall asleep.

*jealous*

I on the other hand tossed and turned and tried to pretend I wasn’t experiencing heart burn.

Then I gave up.

So instead I am wasting my time putzing around on facebook. I wish I could sleep though, since I have to get up and got pay $600 for my Jeep and then hopefully finish unpacking my bedroom.

And the last bit of randomness:  I walked to the grocery store today. It’s less than a mile away. I figure if I have to walk for my “quick” runs, things will probably seem a little less important, and we’ll spend less money!

The end.

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Welcome back!

Umm… the welcome is for me. 🙂

I guess I have been updating randomly enough that it seems like I am here – but in all honesty I have been with out internet for three weeks! We got our apartment the day before Christmas Eve, but didn’t get the internet hooked up until… this last Monday.

I know this may be a bit personal – but I need friends. Do any of my readers also live in the NoVa area? Perhaps it’s a long shot. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I’m a pretty fun person though.

I want to finish cleaning up my house. Then I think B-man and I will have a proper house warming party. Of course… I’ve never had one before, so I guess I will have to learn what a house warming party involves. Maybe it means turning down the heat so that all of the warm bodies can help lower my electric bill? No? Oh well. If any one lives in this area you will definitely be invited! I don’t know when this unscheduled party will be… but keep your eyes peeled!

In other news… my New Year cards arrived last night. And this morning I finished addressing and stuffing all of them! Now to spend $21.00 dollars on postage. I can’t complain too much since the cards were free. I just paid the $9.00 UPS shipping. A bit steep if you ask me, but apparently the card I picked out would’e cost me over $100 if I didn’t have the fee 50 cards coupon. Eeek!

In more other news: my living room is almost put together. I’m revving up for this last push of unpacking. Seriously! Believe me! There are like… maybe 5 boxes left to unpack. I’m just kind of out of space in my living room. In my old apartment I had nice thick window seals to display lots of little things. Now I don’t. Now I have… well… not a lot. Maybe I will buy some pretty shelves. Or search craiglist for some kind of hutch. I mean… I need a safe place to display my Tiffany’s vase that my cousin gave me for my wedding… right? I NEED IT!! Okay. Actually… I don’t need it.

We’re not spending money right now. It’s not that hard. We have plenty of food in the house. We have Netflix. Netflix on demand. And we even have movie tickets that some one gave us for Christmas. But when we moved up here and our rent doubled it put us in a bit of a bind. We’re not technically poor, because we recently found out that B-man has a large sum of money in savings bonds and in mutual funds… but in spendable money it’s pretty low. We need to re-register our cars with VA plates. We will have to pay a couple hundred dollars in down payments for both the electric and water companies. Mind – we get paid tomorrow… but our plan is to always have enough money to pay rent and the bills. Oh yeah… and insurance and a car payment. So pretty much… NOT living pay check to pay check. Which is definitely not something I want to do. But it means that the pay check we get tomorrow (which is roughly $100 more than our rent) is being set aside as… rent. I don’t know if any of this is making sense.

I wish I were more organized. I had been very worried about our lack of savings. I spent all of my graduation money that I received and about half of our savings (which tells you it wasn’t a TON of money) on Christmas presents this year. All in all I probably spent over $1000 on Christmas presents for people – and I didn’t even get my hubby something good. 🙁  It’s sad, but Christmas presents were a source of contention for B-man and I this year. His family is always very generous in their gift giving – and he really wants to keep up with them. My family, while generous in their own means, has always been a one gift per person kind of family (in regards to extended family). Of course, my extended family gets together once every other blue moon, where as his family all live close to each other and see each other for… everything. I would rather give one perfect gift than give a couple “good” gifts. Meh. What’s done is done. It has just left us a little worse for ware and a bit more stressed.

I feel old. Not like grandma old. But I definitely don’t feel like the lively early 20’s gal I felt like a year ago.

Okay. Back to the unpacking. I have this crazy notion that maybe I can get everything unpacked before my husband gets home from work. Which means… I have like… an hour. Ha!

Complain about something to me so I feel better please. Please!?!?

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