This is wordy. Please hang-in with me, because I’m having a very bad day.

***

I don’t know what you all think of me. But if I had to describe myself I would say that I am a well educated, smart, independent woman. I know how to do my own research and figure things out for myself.

My last post about my recent experience at the doctor’s office was fueled by frustration. Mostly frustration with myself, and my severe anxiety caused my being in the doctor’s office. Just typing that sentence made me tear up.

I did feel very bullied after my last appointment, because of the few things I was able to choke out between tears, the doctor pretty much just said “no” like I was a toddler asking for more cookies.

But today I saw the same doctor, and despite my anxiety, he has redeemed himself.

This appointment was supposed to be about my slightly elevated blood pressure. I guess if blood pressure is over 140/90 , then it is considered prehypertension. Last time my BP was 140/80, so I had this appointment today to take the BP again and see if it was high because of stress (did I mention I did a lot of crying at that appointment) or because of hypertension.

But the numbers they got today were probably useless.

For all of you future nurses out there – don’t give people stressful information while you’re taking their BP to see if they have hypertension.

So my states today?

Weight: the same as it has been for 7 months.
Baby’s heart rate:  154 – perfect!
My blood pressure: 140/79

still elevated. Of course, I don’t think she realized that my BP was the reason I was there, because as I was saying “I’m just here for my BP” she said “So you 3-hour test results came back…” but as she heard me talking to paused, and then let out a little grimace. I knew it wasn’t good. So as she took my BP I tried to maintain steady breathing, as she tried to offer words she probably thought we comforting.

Maybe it will be better next time.

She finished taking my BP and said the doctor would be in shortly.

I just paced around the room trying to not cry. But I failed. I had told B-man to stay home because I thought it would be a really short appointment. By the time the doctor came in I was hyper-ventilating and crying like a little baby.

Last time he was very quick. He just gave me information, and when I said I was fine he shook my hand and left. To be honest I was glad for him to walk out of the room last week because it allowed me to breath and calm down.

But this time he came in, shook my hand, and then waited. He passed me tissues, and patiently waited for me to calm down. He let me ask my questions. It was a very slow process, but good… I guess.

We talked about what a diagnosis of GD means.

The one thing that really upset me was that it automatically means an induction at 38 weeks.

<rant>

Considering that I was planning to not use any medication, this is particularly upsetting.

I want to share some numbers with you, and maybe you can see why it is even more frustrating than just have the label:

So on the left are the thresholds set by the American Diabetes Association for the diagnosis of GD. The right are my numbers. The go from perfectly normal, barely over, barely over, perfectly normal. If either of those two bold numbers had been 5 points lower, I wouldn’t have this label. I wouldn’t be considered “high risk” and I would have to put up with all the crap.

I guess I should just avoid drinking 100 grams of sugar for every meal.

But seriously. The test shows what my body does when it is put under stress… which is not what happens everyday. So instead of trying to get a more realistic of what my body can do, I am going to have this “high risk” label slapped on me, and now I have to go to doctors appointments every day and through my plans of a natural childbirth out the window.

Which makes me mad.

</rant>

After talking about the “diagnosis” he brought up another topic. He mentioned that every time he has seen me I have been super stressed and crying. Okay, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to notice that. But then we had a good discussion about my past anxiety/depression problems and that he realized this situation was stressful for me. We talked about the possibility of postpartum depression and that if I wanted to start taking anti-depressants before the baby is born so that they are active by the time of the birth, then that is an option.

I would prefer not to. I would rather not screw up my child’s hormones before they are born. I am very blessed to have a lot of support and help. Maybe I’m pushing myself too much, but while ADs are an option, they are my least favorite option in the entire would and I really want to avoid them unless I have to.

And I am the one who decides when I have to.

So semi-thoughtful doctor gave me plenty of things to think about.

It’s probably good that B-man wasn’t there, because without him there I was able to calm myself down and actually get some productive talking done.

***

The diabetes specialist called to make an appointment. Of course, it wasn’t really to make an appointment. It was to inform me that the diabetes education class meets on Thursdays at 9:30.

When I said I couldn’t attend a class every Thursday for five weeks because of work, the woman on the phone said “Well, this is kiiind of important, don’t you think your employer would understand?”

Well… to be honest… no. It’s not that kind of job. It is a BRAND NEW JOB, one that I am very lucky to have, and I wish she would’ve kept your snotty attitude to herself instead of being rude.

After lots of “hmmm” and “aaahs” she gave up on trying to find an appointment that would fit into my schedule, and said she would call back.

And ya know what I have to say to that?

Boo. I’m paying you, so stop making me feel crappy.

***

I kind of wish they would just tell me what I need to do so I can do it, instead of sending me to these stupid group meetings. Grrr.

I did a lot of research after my first glucose screening. One could say I “freaked out”. But I compiled it all into a list of questions and information I had found through all reputable, trustworthy websites/books. Information about the validity of the glucose testing being used, the other things in my life that could cause high glucose levels, and my worries about being “labelled”.

Then as B-man and I are sitting in the waiting room, I ask him “So, do you want to see my questions for the doctor?”

I usually go in with a list because of the severe anxiety that builds up when I am in the doctor’s office.

My husband reads my well prepared questions (all about testing and gestational diabetes) and he says “Looks like you’re in denial.”

At which point I started crying and the rest of the appointment was a bust. I didn’t get to ask any of my questions, I didn’t get to explain why I didn’t want to do the 3-hour test. I just sat there and cried while the doctor explained why they do glucose testing and blah blah blah.

I’m really mad at myself because I just shut down. I didn’t even give the doctor my paper and or ask any of my questions.

Needless to say, my heart-rate was a little high. I have to go back next week and take the 3-hour test before next Friday.

So yah. I’m stressed, and pissed. Maybe I’ll just go back to bed and pretend nothing every happened.