Faith Envy

This weekend I went to the wedding of a friend from high school. I enjoy attending these events, since I get to see my friends growing up, on the happiest day of their life! We arrived on Friday, and I got the chance to attend her bachelorette party. It was fun, they did pedicures, and a little “who-knows-the-bride-best” game, and then they did something that might not be done at a standard bride party. They did a prayer circle. Twenty women who loved this girl, praying for her, praying for her family, her future marriage, their relationship.

It was really beautiful. really really beautiful.  It’s not often in the LDS church that you find women supporting women like that. It seems like women are supposed to make meals for families that are moving, or who just had a baby. Women are supposed to care for children, sew quilts, clean the house, support her husband. There are other things woman can do, but they often seem so domestic. Through the Relief Society women are supposed to support each other, but it seems like it has turned into “future-home-makers” club, and while it offers physical support, I find that I don’t get the spiritual support I need. But I felt almost deprived as this group of sisters prayed for each other, supporting each other.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Often times I find myself feeling a little bit jealous of those spiritual giants – of any religion, not just my own. I wish I could feel that kind of faith, the kind of faith that drives them to do every thing, that drives my recently married friend and her husband to dedicate their lives to being missionaries. I know that is not for every one – it is not for me, I have a different life – but I wish I could feel the way I did years ago. So faithful, driven, full of energy and  willingness to share.

I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. It would be easy to try and pretend to be the person I was until it comes back to me, but I’ve decided I want to be a little more proactive. I want to read the bible, and maybe the Torah, and the Qu’ran… maybe a Veda or two. Who knows. I just want to learn. I want to know God through my own eyes, and I want to know God through the eyes of others. So many times people say “read the Book of Mormon” because it’s “the truest” or “the newest” but I really think I need to take a step backwards.

Sorry – this is kind of deep for me, but I don’t know if it comes through in my writing. Meh. My internal struggles for understanding are intense, but probably just to me.

Continue the fun!

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1 Comment

  1. I came to a point like that once. (Well probably many times…) I have a suggestion. My church does a college Bible study and it is recorded on podcasts. I have never learned more about God in my entire life then at this thing. I would suggest listening to the Romans podcasts. You can download it off itunes for free if you search for Crossroad, or you can go to to listen online. These studies are AMAZING and you will learn so much. Romans is like, as I'm sure you know, the theology book. It really explains things. Anyways, the actual Bible study starts when school starts on Monday nights at 8:00. If my schedule at all allows I will be going. You are welcome to come too!

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