I’m really disappointed in myself right now. Why? Because unlike some people, I am just really bad a following through.
What the crazy-heck am I talking about? Well, weight really. It’s one of my biggest struggles. Not only is my weight unhealthy, but to be honest, I am starting to realize that my perception of myself is really unhealthy as well. My goals are often unrealistic, and I am generally setting myself up for failure.
I so desperately want to be skinny. And even if I say it’s because I want to be healthy (which is true) often times my biggest motivation is when I look in the mirror and think about how much I really just hate myself. I’m not talking about a simple “I’m fat.” comment, but I really tend to rip on myself. In all aspects of my life really. I am my own worst critic. I find myself repulsive, and I am not even motivated enough to do anything about it.
In one month I lost 10 pounds. And then I gave up. Because it took too much of my time, too much effort. I got sick again. I didn’t feel like cooking. Currently I feel really motivated to go to the gym and just pump out an amazing work-out, but I can’t. It’s late. I’m going to work at 8:00 in the morning. I need to get to sleep because I’ve been so *&#@% tired the last ten days. I wake up tired, and I go to sleep tired. I know it’s because I’m sick, but it is so frustrating and depressing.
I realize this is two negative posts in a row. But I will get better. Some times people have bad days. Or bad weeks. I’ve been known to have bad months and years too. I guess the important thing is picking up where you left off, and moving on. I just don’t know how to stay motivated. My husband won’t complain to me, especially when I’m feeling sick. So he just gives in and we go back to our bad eating habits, and our bad spending habits. Hello people, I was overweight when I got married, and then I gained 30 pounds. I feel disgusting.
Watching the biggest loser does this to me. Because I’m one of those people who would need to work out for 6-8 hours a day for 6 months to even feel comfortable with who I am, but who has time for that?!
Another thing bothering me is that B-man and I are seriously discussing our future reality: having a baby. And you know what? I’m not healthy enough. I need to be healthier. I need to lose weight. I can’t bring another human being into this world with the way I am living and the way I feel right now. Something needs to change, but I’m just not exactly sure what that “something” is.
Ok – I promise. No more depressing posts (at least for a week or so!).
Tuesday, May 11th, 2010, 11:13 pm | 
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May 12, 2010 at 12:28 am
I think all women are, at some point, their own worst critics. It’s easy (and I think normal at times) to be critical of yourself… Hey, I do it too. It can be hard sometimes, but you should look at all the things you are good at and applaud yourself for those, instead of just seeing where you fall short. My mom always used to tell me to focus on all the things I’ve done, instead of just seeing my massive to-do list. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone!
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May 12, 2010 at 8:08 am
“And then I gave up. Because it took too much of my time, too much effort.”
That right there sums up why I’m not acting like I’m serious about getting healthy.
I really am motivated by getting healthy, but after 2 bad weeks, I’m doubting my perseverance. I’m currently working on moving though, so that’s taking up my time/energy and I want the rest for “me.” Here’s to starting over in the new place!
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Jessica Reply:
May 12th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Oh, it is so difficult to focus on yourself when there is so much going on. The end of my semester just blew me away. Hope your move goes smoothly.
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May 12, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Hey, if you need to write “depressing posts” then do so. I for one will still read and try to send you encouraging words.
I’ve felt exactly how you feel. It’s really hard. If there is anything about yourself that you like, try to focus on that. Sounds like you are a really hard worker – that’s a very positive characteristic that you can take pride in. Ask your husband for some of the things he loves about you – that can help give you a little lift, too.
Hang in there. Like you said, sometimes we all go through a down period. Life is just a series of peaks and valleys. Right now you and I are in a valley. But there’s a peak ahead of us – even if we can’t see it quite yet – just waiting for us to reach it.
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May 12, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Oh, man. I’ve so been there. 25 lbs ago.
For me, it was a vicious cycle of eating and depression and eating and…you get it. And you just feel so utterly out of control that what’s the point.
Fortunatey, the cycle goes the other way too! One good workout can lead to a better dinner which leads to feeling confident the next day which leads to more energy for the gym! The key is working out. All else will follow. Get some snazzy new workout duds, grab a friend (or your hubby!) and go.
In the meantime, this is YOUR blog so feel free to whine and bitch!
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May 12, 2010 at 11:09 pm
Women, Food and God
THE AUTHOR WAS ON OPRAH TODAY. GET THE BOOK!!!
I am planning to buy it. You are not alone. Many of us struggle with the same self esteem issues and it shows up in our eating habits. You are an amazing person. Embrace that truth and make it happen. I believe you can.
Love you.
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