I’m really disappointed in myself right now. Why? Because unlike some people, I am just really bad a following through.
What the crazy-heck am I talking about? Well, weight really. It’s one of my biggest struggles. Not only is my weight unhealthy, but to be honest, I am starting to realize that my perception of myself is really unhealthy as well. My goals are often unrealistic, and I am generally setting myself up for failure.
I so desperately want to be skinny. And even if I say it’s because I want to be healthy (which is true) often times my biggest motivation is when I look in the mirror and think about how much I really just hate myself. I’m not talking about a simple “I’m fat.” comment, but I really tend to rip on myself. In all aspects of my life really. I am my own worst critic. I find myself repulsive, and I am not even motivated enough to do anything about it.
In one month I lost 10 pounds. And then I gave up. Because it took too much of my time, too much effort. I got sick again. I didn’t feel like cooking. Currently I feel really motivated to go to the gym and just pump out an amazing work-out, but I can’t. It’s late. I’m going to work at 8:00 in the morning. I need to get to sleep because I’ve been so *&#@% tired the last ten days. I wake up tired, and I go to sleep tired. I know it’s because I’m sick, but it is so frustrating and depressing.
I realize this is two negative posts in a row. But I will get better. Some times people have bad days. Or bad weeks. I’ve been known to have bad months and years too. I guess the important thing is picking up where you left off, and moving on. I just don’t know how to stay motivated. My husband won’t complain to me, especially when I’m feeling sick. So he just gives in and we go back to our bad eating habits, and our bad spending habits. Hello people, I was overweight when I got married, and then I gained 30 pounds. I feel disgusting.
Watching the biggest loser does this to me. Because I’m one of those people who would need to work out for 6-8 hours a day for 6 months to even feel comfortable with who I am, but who has time for that?!
Another thing bothering me is that B-man and I are seriously discussing our future reality: having a baby. And you know what? I’m not healthy enough. I need to be healthier. I need to lose weight. I can’t bring another human being into this world with the way I am living and the way I feel right now. Something needs to change, but I’m just not exactly sure what that “something” is.
Ok – I promise. No more depressing posts (at least for a week or so!).