i’m starting to get depressed again

my neighbor came over today. She played with Ginny while I did the dishes, then helped me clean of my patio that was covered in leaves, pine needles and tiny acorns. She talked about the funk. Ya know, that point in life where nothing is going right. In her case it’s an empty nest, in my case it’s a lot of different things.

my dog is dying. Gretel had been throwing up for several days in a row. So I took her to the vet and they did a blood test and found that her liver enzymes are low and her blood isn’t clotting. She has liver disease. The only way to find out how bad it is would be to spend $500, at which point they say “she’s going to die soon, just enjoy her” or they could say “she is going to die soon unless you spend $100+/month on doggy medicine, at which point she may live a few years more.”


either way she is going to die, I’ll just be lonely, and more poor if I choose the second option.

so we’ve decided to wait it out. she is still happy. she has stopped vomiting, and we are encouraging her to eat a little bit more.

the saddest part to me is that Ginny will not remember this sweet dog of mine. Gretel has so patiently put up with all of the ear pulling, crawling over and hang on that a dog with a baby around unfortunately deals with. Gretel has added so much love to our lives, and has been such a sweet companion to Ginny – and Ginny won’t remember. it breaks my heart.

this issue alone has had me bawling since last Friday. we are literally just waiting for her to show signs of discomfort. then we’ll be paying some one to kill our dog.

in other news: I’m having a hard time making new friends. I only live about 45 minutes north of my old stomping ground, but it seems like getting together with old friends is getting more and more complicated. people are busy, and moving on. while i am desperately clinging to my past. 45 minutes of driving each way makes short trips for walking about stores or a 30 minute play date all but impractical.

on top of this, I have been throwing myself out there left and right. I am friendly to strangers at target, I attend several different group play dates, and have been trying to hang out with people that I wouldn’t normally consider building relationships with. ya know, keeping an open mind.

but two months into this effort I am exhausted, and still feeling very lonely.

through no fault of his own, my hubs has been very busy at work, which often results in him being very tired at home. he gets up late, goes to work, gets home late, we eat dinner later, then he falls asleep while we’re hanging out in the living room. add this to my lack of social interactions with people I feel connected to and I’m a few drops closer to a bucket full of crazy.

I’ve been busy  focusing on other people. I feel like all of my spare time has been dictated by what other people want me to do, and I’m kind of sick of it. half of this problem is related to having a toddler who is dependent on me for her life. I get it. Okay.

unfortunately I have found myself being taken advantage of lately. they are quick to ask for and accept my help and time, but stingy when it comes to returning the favor.


in other news, I have started attending a water aerobics class twice a week. it is very nice to have the 2 hours twice a week to work out, relax, shower, listen to loud music in the car. it’s very nice.

and in closing, I bought this little shirt at H&M for Ginny. I went in there and rememebered it is a lot more expensive in the US than it is in Germany. note taken, again.

she’s getting too big. it breaks my heart more and more. thankfully she heals it with his cute giggles, new words, and desire to climb on bigger and taller things.

Continue the fun!

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1 Comment

  1. I know what you mean about making friends. I'm trying too, definitely going out of my comfort zone. It seems like as I get older it gets harder. Oh, and I can also relate with spending time with the husband… we have completely different work schedules so we don't even have a day off together, we had our first one in 4 months this past weekend and we enjoyed the heck out of it!!!! 🙂 I hope you are able to find a good friend soon!

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